Seeking self, dropping anchor

It's a new year and a lot of families are managing an array of big changes including kids starting daycare/preschool/school/high school or kids moving into a new year with new teachers, classrooms and peers.  Change is just one of those things that naturally tends to produce some degree of discomfort for most people (the unknown is not a popular place to be) and this becomes even more complex when a parent is a bystander of their child facing change - cue anxiety!  A lot of parents (myself included) already begin preparing their child for the change well before it's even taken place. In the circumstance of school changes, the lead up is often filled with social stories, orientation visits, play dates, books, meetings with teachers, new backpacks, lunch box prep and so on. These are not bad things, in fact they can be really helpful, but can you see how much energy is already being directed towards managing the change for the child? Before the school year has even begun our min...

I observed something last week and I wonder if you ever notice this for yourself too? Things had been tracking along quite normally until last week I found myself snapping at my family and losing my cool over things that don't normally bother me. Before I knew it I was stuck in a 'funk' of exhaustion and bad mood without much clue as to how I got there!  Life can get busy, especially at the start of a new year - kids are settling back into their routines (sometimes not so smoothly!), adults are readjusting back into the work mindset (also sometimes not so smoothly!), parents are remembering what it's like to juggle several hats at once, tasks that could be set aside over the holidays all of a sudden pop back up into your view and that lovely holiday glow very quickly begins to dissipate. Taking a break from the usual routine of life can be energising, but sometimes when it's over we have a false sense of capacity which enables us to throw ourselves back into the yea...

I’ve taken January off work to catch some rest & spend quality time with my family. Something I have observed several times already is the tension of how best to use my time - at least for me this is a tension. As a wife, mum, daughter, sister, Aunty, friend & business owner I can very easily feel my energy pulled in several different directions. I have been working hard this holiday to make sure I remember to invite myself along too… more specifically my own thinking.  When I am caught up in the emotions, desires & anxiety of those around me I can so easily forget myself. Before I know it I find myself making decisions that just don’t align with my true values & principles, instead aiming to placate those around me. This always leaves me flustered, resentful & frustrated… not great summer holiday vibes. Not bringing yourself on holiday could look like: Not asking your spouse to watch the kids so you can get alone time & feeling resentful whenever they get a...

With many gatherings filling the months ahead I thought it could be useful to think about how we can use distancing as a way to manage stress & anxiety. Distancing can also be thought of as avoidance, it’s one of the most common ways we can manage discomfort - by not putting ourselves in situations or near relationships that cause it! But how helpful is this to us really? It might feel relieving in the moment to avoid facing that person or group of people that really get our heart rate pumping… however the problem is not being addressed & we’re not allowing ourselves to learn how to manage our stress (tolerate discomfort) in those situations, and so the intensity surrounding the relationship/s increases. And when relationship intensity increases, symptoms are likely to pop up. Sometimes a bit of distance is healthy & appropriate, like when unreasonable expectations are being placed on us or we are being pulled into filling in for another person’s vulnerabilities. Being able...

I asked a client recently what it has been like for them to begin letting go of trying to change/control others & instead redirect their focus to managing themselves calmly & more clearly communicate to family members their position on certain challenges, including what they are willing & not willing to take responsibility for. They said “anxiety inducing in the moment but freeing after”. I think this observation is so helpful! Changing the way we are used to behaving within a system is really hard work! We often experience pushback from those around us who are used to us responding in particular ways & unsure of what to do when our focus is shifted. This client has seen reactive pushback in some relationships & encouraging stepping up in others - either way the key is that for the client themselves the outcome of allowing short term discomfort is long term freedom from intense anxiety & a pathway to more meaningful relationships. A worthwhile pursuit if you’re ...

You may have heard the term ‘triangles’ in systemic therapy before but what exactly does it mean?? Simply put, when tension develops between two people - a third person can be pulled in, in an attempt to ‘stabilise’ or ‘calm’ the tension between the 2. Then becoming what is known as a triangle, where the initial 2 people are then functioning in relation to the 3rd, dependent on the 3rd for relative & temporary harmony. There is often a pattern of 2 on the inside and 1 on the out, the person who is the outsider can shift depending on where the anxiety/tension presents. Like many Australians I grew up being a very big Silverchair fan, so I was fascinated to watch the recent series of Australian Story recounting the history of the band. What has occurred between the 3 band members is quite a clear example of a triangle. At different points in the bands career there has been significant anxiety/tension resulting in distance & now cut off. Chris & Ben have mended difficulties, n...

Parenting is a constant laboratory… with not all experiments going to plan. The past few weeks have been a great example of this for me as I have been toilet training my 3 year old. When we began my daughter was excited & she had success right from the get go, because of this I was calm & I trusted that she would lead the process, letting me know when she needed to go. We had failed attempts in the past & I was determined to stay calm & be patient… which I was… until it all started going down hill. I picked her up from daycare & the teachers said she had multiple accidents & had been so upset that they put a nappy on for her. Fearing that she had regressed completely I didn’t even notice my anxiety creep in. I started asking her regularly “do you need to use the potty??” Which appeared to irritate her & she would respond with “I don’t!!!” & when she would have accidents I would jump to my feet and quickly reassure her that “it’s okay”. Can you see how I...

I wonder what this picture evokes for you? A lot of you will know this face well… whether it be your own child, your niece/nephew, grandchild or child your work with. Does it produce some discomfort? Do you want to soothe them, do you want to look away? I use this picture as an example of the incredible challenge of learning how to tolerate another’s distress for the purposes of enabling them to develop their own sense of self and life enhancing skill set. As a sleep deprived parent who has recently spent time teaching a 7 month old how to settle themselves to sleep I feel the emotion of this picture acutely. Sleep training is a great example of an instance where a parent is required to put their own distress of seeing their baby upset to one side for the sake of teaching the child a very important & necessary life skill, sleep When we rush in to “fix” every time our child (or anyone) is upset we are not giving them the very valuable opportunity of learning how to regulate themselv...

There’s a lot of talk about the vagus nerve or the vagal nervous system these days, so what is it & what’s all the fuss about? The vagal nerves are the main pathway to our parasympathetic nervous system. This system is what enables us to be in a state of rest. It’s there to counteract our stress response (fight flight freeze) and enable us to remain calm in the face of threat (or perceived threat). It’s also closely connected to our immune system. Having a healthy vagal nervous system can be incredibly helpful to effectively manage anxiety and develop emotional resilience. So how to stimulate these nerves?? Have you ever noticed yourself sigh, yawn, laugh or humm when stressed? This can often be the body’s attempt to stimulate the vagus nerve & assist you in calming down (amazing right?). The common thread with these things is breath. Research has shown that regular diaphragmatic breath work can help us keep a healthy vagal nervous system. Being able to pause & focus on slo...

I haven’t been posting much here lately & that is because I am adjusting to life as a mother of a toddler & a newborn - one of my life’s greatest joys & greatest challenges all in one. Something I have been reflecting on during this phase is how I can remain clear on who I am & what my needs are at a time when my children’s needs (in particular my dependent 5 month old) feel all consuming. This is no easy task! Some days are purely about survival & that is okay, but when I have the capacity for it I give myself a moment to pause & check in with myself. My anxiety autopilot causes me to be some kind of mother martyr who is all things to all people & before I know it I hit burn out. Interrupting this behaviour for me has involved vulnerability that finds courage to ask for help & then accept it. Another area where I have been working on defining myself in how time is spent with my kids. Do I ever get to listen to my own music in the car or is it always Pep...

Ever leave a meeting feeling defeated & frustrated as if nothing helpful was achieved? A common example I hear is when those in attendance use the time to whinge, with each person seeming to set the other off into a spiral of complaints and negativity. When anxiety is present one way of managing it is to share it with others and allow their shared feelings of frustration to ease the discomfort we are experiencing. Whilst it might make us feel better it doesn’t often achieve change - instead often leading to increased group feelings of dissatisfaction. I have 2 helpful questions to ask yourself in these scenarios: 1. When you observe yourself in these meetings what is your response to your teammates/colleagues anxious behaviour? Some common responses could be to shut down & switch off, try to appease people by providing them with a quick solution which may not be realistic or possible or respond with a more punitive approach perhaps raising your voice & setting out unfair co...

Yep, that time of year is fast approaching! When you think of getting together with family does it provoke any anxiety? One of the best ways to prepare is to take time now to reflect on where that anxiety is coming from, getting curious about it, attempting to increase our awareness of how it manifests in our thinking, feeling & behaviour & asking ourselves is that really how we want it to be? This is not about being judgemental or critical, it’s about being interested. As you take time to reflect, it can be very helpful to come up with one or more research questions to take with you to these gatherings. For example, ‘what is my automatic response to conflict that arises?’ Or even extending this to ‘what is each person in my families default response when conflict occurs?’… can I notice any patterns & roles? What’s helpful or unhelpful? Being able to step back and be an observer, with the intent of learning more about ourselves and our family’s automatic patterns of functio...

I’ve been on holidays this week with my family before we go from 3 to 4. It’s been a brilliant opportunity for me to zoom out & do some self-observation. We have a 2 year old who is giving us a great stage for practising the commonly experienced parenting dance of ‘what the heck am I doing?’ & ‘how on earth do I manage this?’ - which produces a great deal of anxious reactivity (from everyone involved!) Something I’ve been reflecting on is how for me this lack of confidence in relation to responding to toddler meltdowns, stems from the challenge of having been given TOO MUCH information. I’ve been working in children & family mental health now for 8+ years, so you’d think surely I have it all together right? Wrong. What all this input has done has actually muddied the waters & prevented me from developing my very own thinking. Anxiety causes us to often borrow thinking from others… which feels easier than doing our own. We reach for all the parenting books, Instagram...

I attended a fascinating webinar put on by  The Family Systems Institute  yesterday with Dr Anne McKnight discussing the complex systemic process of cut off. Not to be mistaken with more commonly known term ‘estrangement’ cut off refers to the relationship process of managing tension in a relationship by backing away from it. It’s purpose is to allow breathing room but it’s cost can be cutting off from a potential resource & lead to isolation. It can also have implications for how one functions in their own family. Cut off usually occurs in relationships when there is little capacity to be able to strategies in the face of tension and emotionality & is a mechanism to reduce tension by severing contact. It’s helpful to remember that when someone chooses to cut off they are just doing the best they can to adapt to the circumstances they face. However, in cut off we lose the valuable opportunity to work on our ability to manage difficulties in relationships. In thera...

I hear a lot of criticism in therapy. I hear it in two main forms: criticism of self and criticism of others - both of which can become entrenched patterns of anxious behaviour that can be very difficult to shift & that only tend to cause more anxiety as the outcome. One way I encourage clients to start tackling criticism is to first step back & become more aware of it. Spend time observing it, learning its ins and outs - when does it occur? How does it play out in my behaviour? Is the criticism based in something evidenced based that I truly believe in? How automatic is my response to it? Are there times I’m more critical than others? Have there been times I’ve been able to notice the critical thoughts but then let them go? What’s it like for me to sit with the thought & analyse it before I act on it? Questions for you: Are you aware of how criticism plays out in yourself and your relationships?  How well acquainted are you with how it functions for you right now?...

Have you ever experienced a strong emotion (e.g. worry) & have a thought (or several!) pop into your mind that causes you to behave/react/respond in a way that in hindsight you thought to yourself ‘I wish I had done that differently! That behaviour wasn’t reflective of who I want to be as a person!’ ? One helpful & simple way to slow this process down & give yourself an opportunity to behave differently is to ask yourself - is the thought I’m having based in fact or fiction? Is there real evidence for this thought to be true? Or is it my emotions taking control & making me believe something not based in reality? This question can help us to pause & interrupt our auto-pilot responses. When our thoughts are driven by strong emotions (as apposed to clear thinking) they often veer away from what’s actually true & real, causing us to behave in anxious ways.

I taught a teenage client this morning the very simple practice of box breathing. I find this so helpful when I catch myself feeling the telltale signs of a dysregulated nervous system! It can be a simple way of adding a pause in before we continue on with whatever task we’re working through or before responding to someone in a reactive way. You can trace the box on your hand, doodle it on some paper or even find a window/door to follow with your eyes. It’s helpful to repeat it until you’re able to extend the breath for at least 5 seconds & you can observe your body starting to calm down. Question for you: Do you have helpful little strategies you can use in the day to day to manage stress in the moment?

I’ve been working with quite a few couples at the moment around the challenges of co-parenting. It’s caused me to reflect on the concept of triangles & how this pattern can be so complex in scenarios where parental separation has occurred. A triangle is when a third party is pulled into a strained dyad in an attempt to manage & calm the stress within the dyad. So in co-parenting situations this is often a strained parent relationship, pulling a third (a child) in. Two examples I often see are: a child witnessing parent conflict/tension & responding with symptoms of illness or big behaviours which can unite the parents temporarily as they focus on supporting the child. a parent criticising the other parent to the child or pulling them into choosing a side, again temporarily relieving the parents stress as they feel validation or a sense of an ‘inside position’ with the child, putting the other parent on the ‘outer’. What can happen for the child over time is a hyper sensitiv...

The third factor impacting our capacity to regulate is our environment. I find this one really interesting because we can’t always change our environment & we can’t control what happens throughout the day! And nor should we… unfamiliar environments (e.g. a new school, new job etc) & unpredictability (e.g. changes to routine, cancellations etc) can reduce our capacity to regulate (stay calm) but this is not to say they should be avoided! It’s healthy to place ourselves in new spaces with new people & learn how to tolerate the discomfort. It’s also important for us to be equipped to cope with unpredictable changes without falling apart. I think there are two helpful ways to look at this one:  If there are new & unfamiliar places/people occurring throughout our week (inevitable!) then how can we increase familiarity & predictability in other areas of our (or our child’s) day/week to provide some space for grounding ourselves and/or recovering/resting. Becoming more...

The second factor I mentioned impacting our capacity to regulate are emotions. Each person has their own unique relationship with emotions & it can be really helpful to give yourself the space to become more aware of yours. Self-awareness is calming! Most of us develop a baseline understanding of emotions during childhood, often by observing significant adults around us & their reactions to our different expressions of emotions. For example, a lot of clients tell me that for them growing up any expression of anger was responded to with automatic punishment leaving them to this day confused about how best to express anger in relationships & also leaving them highly anxious when faced with another’s anger (eg. Their partner or child). A helpful way to identify which emotions raise anxiety for you is to observe yourself in relational interactions & see what triggers those anxious body responses.  Question for you: Are there any emotions you avoid experiencing? Are you ...