My therapist talks about triangles - what are they?

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You may have heard the term ‘triangles’ in systemic therapy before but what exactly does it mean??

Simply put, when tension develops between two people - a third person can be pulled in, in an attempt to ‘stabilise’ or ‘calm’ the tension between the 2. Then becoming what is known as a triangle, where the initial 2 people are then functioning in relation to the 3rd, dependent on the 3rd for relative & temporary harmony. There is often a pattern of 2 on the inside and 1 on the out, the person who is the outsider can shift depending on where the anxiety/tension presents.
Like many Australians I grew up being a very big Silverchair fan, so I was fascinated to watch the recent series of Australian Story recounting the history of the band. What has occurred between the 3 band members is quite a clear example of a triangle. At different points in the bands career there has been significant anxiety/tension resulting in distance & now cut off. Chris & Ben have mended difficulties, now very close - with Daniel the outsider, appearing to have cut off from the other two.
Other common examples are:
- a couple managing tension in their relationship by joining together to focus on a child
- conflict arising between 2 friends with one seeking out assurance from a third by inviting them to ‘side’ with them
- a husband or wife managing tension in the relationship by confiding in a parent & in doing so causing a difficulty between the other parent and their in law
- someone managing conflict with a colleague by strengthening their bond with the boss & complaining to them of the colleague
I could go on & on!

Questions for you:

- Are you aware of the triangles in your life?
- Are you an insider or outsider in them?
- How might you attempt to de-triangle & put energy into addressing the tension within the initial relationship - or if you’re the 3rd being pulled in, how might you avoid the pull?

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