Mature stepping back or anxious distancing?

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With many gatherings filling the months ahead I thought it could be useful to think about how we can use distancing as a way to manage stress & anxiety. Distancing can also be thought of as avoidance, it’s one of the most common ways we can manage discomfort - by not putting ourselves in situations or near relationships that cause it!

But how helpful is this to us really? It might feel relieving in the moment to avoid facing that person or group of people that really get our heart rate pumping… however the problem is not being addressed & we’re not allowing ourselves to learn how to manage our stress (tolerate discomfort) in those situations, and so the intensity surrounding the relationship/s increases. And when relationship intensity increases, symptoms are likely to pop up.
Sometimes a bit of distance is healthy & appropriate, like when unreasonable expectations are being placed on us or we are being pulled into filling in for another person’s vulnerabilities. Being able to step back & ask ourselves ‘is my decision to put a boundary up here & creating some space here coming from a thoughtful mature response or am I being reactive & distancing as a way to avoid?’
Once we’ve been able to answer this question the next step might be to communicate our needs to those around us in a way that is calm, clear & connected. A common Christmas example might be ‘it is too much for me to attend both family gatherings on that day - this year we will attend this one & commit to attending the other one next year’.
If the answer to the question was that you may be anxiously avoiding, then you may want to challenge yourself to attend the event armed with some strategies for how you will manage the discomfort. For example, keeping an eye out for signs that your anxiety is rising & before it becomes too intense giving yourself occasional moments alone outside to breathe in the fresh air before reconnecting when you feel calm enough.

Question for you:

Do you use distance as a way to avoid relationship discomfort during Christmas/new year season?

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