Don’t forget to bring yourself on holiday too!

I’ve taken January off work to catch some rest & spend quality time with my family. Something I have observed several times already is the tension of how best to use my time - at least for me this is a tension. As a wife, mum, daughter, sister, Aunty, friend & business owner I can very easily feel my energy pulled in several different directions. I have been working hard this holiday to make sure I remember to invite myself along too… more specifically my own thinking. 

When I am caught up in the emotions, desires & anxiety of those around me I can so easily forget myself. Before I know it I find myself making decisions that just don’t align with my true values & principles, instead aiming to placate those around me. This always leaves me flustered, resentful & frustrated… not great summer holiday vibes.

Not bringing yourself on holiday could look like:

• Not asking your spouse to watch the kids so you can get alone time & feeling resentful whenever they get alone time
• Busily attending to everyone’s needs resulting in feeling exhausted and neglected
• Succumbing to your child’s demands for more ice cream/screen time/treats to avoid having to deal with a meltdown - subsequently feeling like a bad parent
• Accommodating an unreasonable bedroom arrangement due to anxiety around someone’s sleep needs or fear of disturbing children’s sleep - resulting in sleeplessness for yourself
• Wanting a swim but missing out because you feel it’s too much to ask another to watch the kids or that you others need you close by or that you really should be preparing lunch for when everyone gets back
• Allowing someone’s grumpy mood to take centre stage & focusing on making them feel better instead of finishing the book you started or going on that walk you had planned

I could go on and on but I think you get the point. Have a go at changing each of those examples above to a scenario where your own thinking gets some air time - how might it look different?

This approach doesn’t neglect others & make you walk through holidays like a selfish jerk (I know some reading may be thinking this). If you are bringing more of yourself to the holiday while staying warmly connected to those around you then it allows you to:

• access the holiday you actually wanted & avoid post-holiday disappointment
• prevent the build up of relationship tension & the inevitable conflict that follows
• give others the space to grow, allowing them to challenge themselves with things you may have formally done for them or removed for them
• open up opportunity for resilience building (for everyone!)
• prevent the development of family patterns of behaviour that can become even more difficult to disrupt later in life

An example from my holiday this week has been putting our daughters in the same room for the first time, something my husband and I definitely felt anxiety about - teaching our girls how to be good sleepers has been a tumultuous journey to say the least! The thought of disturbing what we have worked so hard for (good sleep) was a bit terrifying. However, I was clear about the fact that I didn't want to share our bedroom with one of our children & miss out on precious reading time before bed, I didn't want to put visiting grandparents to sleep out in the living room so our girls can have their own rooms, and I didn't want our girls to become so inflexible with their ability to sleep in different environments that it restricts our future travels. With this clear in my mind we decided to take the plunge & put the girls in the same room, no matter what the outcome of this was going to be the act of doing it was bringing myself on the holiday. A lovely and surprising outcome has been that our girls have loved sharing a room and are bonding more than ever.

So my questions for you this summer are:

1. How can you invite yourself to the holiday too? 

2. How do you know when you’re making decisions based on the emotions & needs of others and leaving yourself out?