Seeking self, dropping anchor

It's a new year and a lot of families are managing an array of big changes including kids starting daycare/preschool/school/high school or kids moving into a new year with new teachers, classrooms and peers.  Change is just one of those things that naturally tends to produce some degree of discomfort for most people (the unknown is not a popular place to be) and this becomes even more complex when a parent is a bystander of their child facing change - cue anxiety!  A lot of parents (myself included) already begin preparing their child for the change well before it's even taken place. In the circumstance of school changes, the lead up is often filled with social stories, orientation visits, play dates, books, meetings with teachers, new backpacks, lunch box prep and so on. These are not bad things, in fact they can be really helpful, but can you see how much energy is already being directed towards managing the change for the child? Before the school year has even begun our min...

I asked a client recently what it has been like for them to begin letting go of trying to change/control others & instead redirect their focus to managing themselves calmly & more clearly communicate to family members their position on certain challenges, including what they are willing & not willing to take responsibility for. They said “anxiety inducing in the moment but freeing after”. I think this observation is so helpful! Changing the way we are used to behaving within a system is really hard work! We often experience pushback from those around us who are used to us responding in particular ways & unsure of what to do when our focus is shifted. This client has seen reactive pushback in some relationships & encouraging stepping up in others - either way the key is that for the client themselves the outcome of allowing short term discomfort is long term freedom from intense anxiety & a pathway to more meaningful relationships. A worthwhile pursuit if you’re ...

Ever leave a meeting feeling defeated & frustrated as if nothing helpful was achieved? A common example I hear is when those in attendance use the time to whinge, with each person seeming to set the other off into a spiral of complaints and negativity. When anxiety is present one way of managing it is to share it with others and allow their shared feelings of frustration to ease the discomfort we are experiencing. Whilst it might make us feel better it doesn’t often achieve change - instead often leading to increased group feelings of dissatisfaction. I have 2 helpful questions to ask yourself in these scenarios: 1. When you observe yourself in these meetings what is your response to your teammates/colleagues anxious behaviour? Some common responses could be to shut down & switch off, try to appease people by providing them with a quick solution which may not be realistic or possible or respond with a more punitive approach perhaps raising your voice & setting out unfair co...

I’ve been on holidays this week with my family before we go from 3 to 4. It’s been a brilliant opportunity for me to zoom out & do some self-observation. We have a 2 year old who is giving us a great stage for practising the commonly experienced parenting dance of ‘what the heck am I doing?’ & ‘how on earth do I manage this?’ - which produces a great deal of anxious reactivity (from everyone involved!) Something I’ve been reflecting on is how for me this lack of confidence in relation to responding to toddler meltdowns, stems from the challenge of having been given TOO MUCH information. I’ve been working in children & family mental health now for 8+ years, so you’d think surely I have it all together right? Wrong. What all this input has done has actually muddied the waters & prevented me from developing my very own thinking. Anxiety causes us to often borrow thinking from others… which feels easier than doing our own. We reach for all the parenting books, Instagram...

I hear a lot of criticism in therapy. I hear it in two main forms: criticism of self and criticism of others - both of which can become entrenched patterns of anxious behaviour that can be very difficult to shift & that only tend to cause more anxiety as the outcome. One way I encourage clients to start tackling criticism is to first step back & become more aware of it. Spend time observing it, learning its ins and outs - when does it occur? How does it play out in my behaviour? Is the criticism based in something evidenced based that I truly believe in? How automatic is my response to it? Are there times I’m more critical than others? Have there been times I’ve been able to notice the critical thoughts but then let them go? What’s it like for me to sit with the thought & analyse it before I act on it? Questions for you: Are you aware of how criticism plays out in yourself and your relationships?  How well acquainted are you with how it functions for you right now?...