Toilet training: a lesson in reducing parent intensity & giving children space to grow

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Parenting is a constant laboratory… with not all experiments going to plan. The past few weeks have been a great example of this for me as I have been toilet training my 3 year old. When we began my daughter was excited & she had success right from the get go, because of this I was calm & I trusted that she would lead the process, letting me know when she needed to go.

We had failed attempts in the past & I was determined to stay calm & be patient… which I was… until it all started going down hill. I picked her up from daycare & the teachers said she had multiple accidents & had been so upset that they put a nappy on for her. Fearing that she had regressed completely I didn’t even notice my anxiety creep in. I started asking her regularly “do you need to use the potty??” Which appeared to irritate her & she would respond with “I don’t!!!” & when she would have accidents I would jump to my feet and quickly reassure her that “it’s okay”. Can you see how I was allowing my anxiety to drive my behaviour? My anxious behaviour led me to obsess over it & read many articles on the common pitfalls of toilet training & the many online opinions on best strategies, this did not help, it only caused me to wallow in guilt around having failed.
With some space to think I eventually realised that my anxious behaviour was likely fuelling her regression & I needed to take a step back & calm down. So I hit the reset button. After a full day of taking the pressure off, not badgering my daughter with regular toilet check ins & creating a calm & fun environment for her when it came to the potty, sure enough she began stepping up & regaining control. We’re now several days in, no accidents & lots of self pride from my daughter because she’s owning it without my help. It’s a joy to see. I also stopped with the intense reassurance & am giving her space to learn both the good & bad consequences of where to do her wee’s/poo’s.

This is a classic example of when we anxiously ‘over focus’ on a child & the natural responses that can occur as a result. Learning to step back, do our own thinking (instead of borrow from another parent or an online expert) can calm the whole system down. 

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