Seeking self, dropping anchor

I was asked recently what is the most common challenge I see couples facing in my practice and I found it surprisingly easy to answer... can you guess?  Telepathy. The dictionary describes it as "the supposed communication of thoughts or ideas by means other than the known senses" . I'm not sure about you but I am yet to meet someone who can prove to me that they are indeed telepathic and able to read the minds of others. And yet, almost every couple that sits in front of me in therapy are behaving in ways that suggest they have the gift, and spoiler alert, it is not leading to enriching & satisfying relationships.  A fictitious example: Julia arrives home from work to her partner Rob. The house is a mess & Julia thinks to herself "Aargh, Rob is so lazy! He never helps out around the house, he knew I had a big meeting today couldn't he have at least tidied up a bit before I got home? He clearly doesn't care about how important my day was." Julia ...

I hear a lot of criticism in therapy. I hear it in two main forms: criticism of self and criticism of others - both of which can become entrenched patterns of anxious behaviour that can be very difficult to shift & that only tend to cause more anxiety as the outcome. One way I encourage clients to start tackling criticism is to first step back & become more aware of it. Spend time observing it, learning its ins and outs - when does it occur? How does it play out in my behaviour? Is the criticism based in something evidenced based that I truly believe in? How automatic is my response to it? Are there times I’m more critical than others? Have there been times I’ve been able to notice the critical thoughts but then let them go? What’s it like for me to sit with the thought & analyse it before I act on it? Questions for you: Are you aware of how criticism plays out in yourself and your relationships?  How well acquainted are you with how it functions for you right now?...