Seeking self, dropping anchor

I was asked recently what is the most common challenge I see couples facing in my practice and I found it surprisingly easy to answer... can you guess?  Telepathy. The dictionary describes it as "the supposed communication of thoughts or ideas by means other than the known senses" . I'm not sure about you but I am yet to meet someone who can prove to me that they are indeed telepathic and able to read the minds of others. And yet, almost every couple that sits in front of me in therapy are behaving in ways that suggest they have the gift, and spoiler alert, it is not leading to enriching & satisfying relationships.  A fictitious example: Julia arrives home from work to her partner Rob. The house is a mess & Julia thinks to herself "Aargh, Rob is so lazy! He never helps out around the house, he knew I had a big meeting today couldn't he have at least tidied up a bit before I got home? He clearly doesn't care about how important my day was." Julia ...

You may have heard the term ‘triangles’ in systemic therapy before but what exactly does it mean?? Simply put, when tension develops between two people - a third person can be pulled in, in an attempt to ‘stabilise’ or ‘calm’ the tension between the 2. Then becoming what is known as a triangle, where the initial 2 people are then functioning in relation to the 3rd, dependent on the 3rd for relative & temporary harmony. There is often a pattern of 2 on the inside and 1 on the out, the person who is the outsider can shift depending on where the anxiety/tension presents. Like many Australians I grew up being a very big Silverchair fan, so I was fascinated to watch the recent series of Australian Story recounting the history of the band. What has occurred between the 3 band members is quite a clear example of a triangle. At different points in the bands career there has been significant anxiety/tension resulting in distance & now cut off. Chris & Ben have mended difficulties, n...

Yep, that time of year is fast approaching! When you think of getting together with family does it provoke any anxiety? One of the best ways to prepare is to take time now to reflect on where that anxiety is coming from, getting curious about it, attempting to increase our awareness of how it manifests in our thinking, feeling & behaviour & asking ourselves is that really how we want it to be? This is not about being judgemental or critical, it’s about being interested. As you take time to reflect, it can be very helpful to come up with one or more research questions to take with you to these gatherings. For example, ‘what is my automatic response to conflict that arises?’ Or even extending this to ‘what is each person in my families default response when conflict occurs?’… can I notice any patterns & roles? What’s helpful or unhelpful? Being able to step back and be an observer, with the intent of learning more about ourselves and our family’s automatic patterns of functio...

I hear a lot of criticism in therapy. I hear it in two main forms: criticism of self and criticism of others - both of which can become entrenched patterns of anxious behaviour that can be very difficult to shift & that only tend to cause more anxiety as the outcome. One way I encourage clients to start tackling criticism is to first step back & become more aware of it. Spend time observing it, learning its ins and outs - when does it occur? How does it play out in my behaviour? Is the criticism based in something evidenced based that I truly believe in? How automatic is my response to it? Are there times I’m more critical than others? Have there been times I’ve been able to notice the critical thoughts but then let them go? What’s it like for me to sit with the thought & analyse it before I act on it? Questions for you: Are you aware of how criticism plays out in yourself and your relationships?  How well acquainted are you with how it functions for you right now?...

I’ve been working with quite a few couples at the moment around the challenges of co-parenting. It’s caused me to reflect on the concept of triangles & how this pattern can be so complex in scenarios where parental separation has occurred. A triangle is when a third party is pulled into a strained dyad in an attempt to manage & calm the stress within the dyad. So in co-parenting situations this is often a strained parent relationship, pulling a third (a child) in. Two examples I often see are: a child witnessing parent conflict/tension & responding with symptoms of illness or big behaviours which can unite the parents temporarily as they focus on supporting the child. a parent criticising the other parent to the child or pulling them into choosing a side, again temporarily relieving the parents stress as they feel validation or a sense of an ‘inside position’ with the child, putting the other parent on the ‘outer’. What can happen for the child over time is a hyper sensitiv...