Seeking self, dropping anchor

I’ve taken January off work to catch some rest & spend quality time with my family. Something I have observed several times already is the tension of how best to use my time - at least for me this is a tension. As a wife, mum, daughter, sister, Aunty, friend & business owner I can very easily feel my energy pulled in several different directions. I have been working hard this holiday to make sure I remember to invite myself along too… more specifically my own thinking.  When I am caught up in the emotions, desires & anxiety of those around me I can so easily forget myself. Before I know it I find myself making decisions that just don’t align with my true values & principles, instead aiming to placate those around me. This always leaves me flustered, resentful & frustrated… not great summer holiday vibes. Not bringing yourself on holiday could look like: Not asking your spouse to watch the kids so you can get alone time & feeling resentful whenever they get a...

With many gatherings filling the months ahead I thought it could be useful to think about how we can use distancing as a way to manage stress & anxiety. Distancing can also be thought of as avoidance, it’s one of the most common ways we can manage discomfort - by not putting ourselves in situations or near relationships that cause it! But how helpful is this to us really? It might feel relieving in the moment to avoid facing that person or group of people that really get our heart rate pumping… however the problem is not being addressed & we’re not allowing ourselves to learn how to manage our stress (tolerate discomfort) in those situations, and so the intensity surrounding the relationship/s increases. And when relationship intensity increases, symptoms are likely to pop up. Sometimes a bit of distance is healthy & appropriate, like when unreasonable expectations are being placed on us or we are being pulled into filling in for another person’s vulnerabilities. Being able...

Yep, that time of year is fast approaching! When you think of getting together with family does it provoke any anxiety? One of the best ways to prepare is to take time now to reflect on where that anxiety is coming from, getting curious about it, attempting to increase our awareness of how it manifests in our thinking, feeling & behaviour & asking ourselves is that really how we want it to be? This is not about being judgemental or critical, it’s about being interested. As you take time to reflect, it can be very helpful to come up with one or more research questions to take with you to these gatherings. For example, ‘what is my automatic response to conflict that arises?’ Or even extending this to ‘what is each person in my families default response when conflict occurs?’… can I notice any patterns & roles? What’s helpful or unhelpful? Being able to step back and be an observer, with the intent of learning more about ourselves and our family’s automatic patterns of functio...

I attended a fascinating webinar put on by  The Family Systems Institute  yesterday with Dr Anne McKnight discussing the complex systemic process of cut off. Not to be mistaken with more commonly known term ‘estrangement’ cut off refers to the relationship process of managing tension in a relationship by backing away from it. It’s purpose is to allow breathing room but it’s cost can be cutting off from a potential resource & lead to isolation. It can also have implications for how one functions in their own family. Cut off usually occurs in relationships when there is little capacity to be able to strategies in the face of tension and emotionality & is a mechanism to reduce tension by severing contact. It’s helpful to remember that when someone chooses to cut off they are just doing the best they can to adapt to the circumstances they face. However, in cut off we lose the valuable opportunity to work on our ability to manage difficulties in relationships. In thera...

I’ve been working with quite a few couples at the moment around the challenges of co-parenting. It’s caused me to reflect on the concept of triangles & how this pattern can be so complex in scenarios where parental separation has occurred. A triangle is when a third party is pulled into a strained dyad in an attempt to manage & calm the stress within the dyad. So in co-parenting situations this is often a strained parent relationship, pulling a third (a child) in. Two examples I often see are: a child witnessing parent conflict/tension & responding with symptoms of illness or big behaviours which can unite the parents temporarily as they focus on supporting the child. a parent criticising the other parent to the child or pulling them into choosing a side, again temporarily relieving the parents stress as they feel validation or a sense of an ‘inside position’ with the child, putting the other parent on the ‘outer’. What can happen for the child over time is a hyper sensitiv...

A colleague I supervise this morning asked me how to understand the discrepancy they observe time & time again between a parent who is describing their child as highly symptomatic & in need of diagnosis - but the clinical team and school have not observed the severity of these symptoms & instead see a relatively well functioning child in other environments.  Murray Bowen’s concept of the family projection process can be very helpful in understanding this presentation. It describes the primary way parents can transmit their emotional problems to a child. This in turn can impair the functioning of the child & increase their vulnerability to clinical symptoms. It follows 3 steps: Parent focuses on a child out of fear that something is wrong with the child.  Parent interprets the child’s behaviour as confirming the fear.  Parent treats the child as if something is really wrong with the child. The parent can then focus on ‘fixing’ the child & clinical servi...