Tuning into relationships: a series on regulation
The fourth factor impacting our capacity to regulate is relationships. This is the last one of this little series & potentially the most important! Most would say that this one is all about feeling understood, accepted & valued by those we care about & that this calms us down… which is not untrue! However this type of thinking can lead to dependency on others for our ability to remain calm. I have a slightly different focus on this one which comes from a Bowen family systems concept called ‘differentiation of self’. This concept refers to our ability to stay connected but autonomous in the face of relationship stress. A well differentiated person “can stay calm and clear headed enough in the face of conflict, criticism, & rejection to distinguish thinking rooted in a careful assessment of the facts from thinking clouded by emotionality.” In contrast “people with a poorly differentiated self depend so heavily on the acceptance and approval of others that they either quic...