Seeking self, dropping anchor

I’ve taken January off work to catch some rest & spend quality time with my family. Something I have observed several times already is the tension of how best to use my time - at least for me this is a tension. As a wife, mum, daughter, sister, Aunty, friend & business owner I can very easily feel my energy pulled in several different directions. I have been working hard this holiday to make sure I remember to invite myself along too… more specifically my own thinking.  When I am caught up in the emotions, desires & anxiety of those around me I can so easily forget myself. Before I know it I find myself making decisions that just don’t align with my true values & principles, instead aiming to placate those around me. This always leaves me flustered, resentful & frustrated… not great summer holiday vibes. Not bringing yourself on holiday could look like: Not asking your spouse to watch the kids so you can get alone time & feeling resentful whenever they get a...

I haven’t been posting much here lately & that is because I am adjusting to life as a mother of a toddler & a newborn - one of my life’s greatest joys & greatest challenges all in one. Something I have been reflecting on during this phase is how I can remain clear on who I am & what my needs are at a time when my children’s needs (in particular my dependent 5 month old) feel all consuming. This is no easy task! Some days are purely about survival & that is okay, but when I have the capacity for it I give myself a moment to pause & check in with myself. My anxiety autopilot causes me to be some kind of mother martyr who is all things to all people & before I know it I hit burn out. Interrupting this behaviour for me has involved vulnerability that finds courage to ask for help & then accept it. Another area where I have been working on defining myself in how time is spent with my kids. Do I ever get to listen to my own music in the car or is it always Pep...

The fourth factor impacting our capacity to regulate is relationships. This is the last one of this little series & potentially the most important! Most would say that this one is all about feeling understood, accepted & valued by those we care about & that this calms us down… which is not untrue! However this type of thinking can lead to dependency on others for our ability to remain calm. I have a slightly different focus on this one which comes from a Bowen family systems concept called ‘differentiation of self’. This concept refers to our ability to stay connected but autonomous in the face of relationship stress. A well differentiated person “can stay calm and clear headed enough in the face of conflict, criticism, & rejection to distinguish thinking rooted in a careful assessment of the facts from thinking clouded by emotionality.” In contrast “people with a poorly differentiated self depend so heavily on the acceptance and approval of others that they either quic...