Seeking self, dropping anchor

I observed something last week and I wonder if you ever notice this for yourself too? Things had been tracking along quite normally until last week I found myself snapping at my family and losing my cool over things that don't normally bother me. Before I knew it I was stuck in a 'funk' of exhaustion and bad mood without much clue as to how I got there!  Life can get busy, especially at the start of a new year - kids are settling back into their routines (sometimes not so smoothly!), adults are readjusting back into the work mindset (also sometimes not so smoothly!), parents are remembering what it's like to juggle several hats at once, tasks that could be set aside over the holidays all of a sudden pop back up into your view and that lovely holiday glow very quickly begins to dissipate. Taking a break from the usual routine of life can be energising, but sometimes when it's over we have a false sense of capacity which enables us to throw ourselves back into the yea...

I was asked recently what is the most common challenge I see couples facing in my practice and I found it surprisingly easy to answer... can you guess?  Telepathy. The dictionary describes it as "the supposed communication of thoughts or ideas by means other than the known senses" . I'm not sure about you but I am yet to meet someone who can prove to me that they are indeed telepathic and able to read the minds of others. And yet, almost every couple that sits in front of me in therapy are behaving in ways that suggest they have the gift, and spoiler alert, it is not leading to enriching & satisfying relationships.  A fictitious example: Julia arrives home from work to her partner Rob. The house is a mess & Julia thinks to herself "Aargh, Rob is so lazy! He never helps out around the house, he knew I had a big meeting today couldn't he have at least tidied up a bit before I got home? He clearly doesn't care about how important my day was." Julia ...

I’ve taken January off work to catch some rest & spend quality time with my family. Something I have observed several times already is the tension of how best to use my time - at least for me this is a tension. As a wife, mum, daughter, sister, Aunty, friend & business owner I can very easily feel my energy pulled in several different directions. I have been working hard this holiday to make sure I remember to invite myself along too… more specifically my own thinking.  When I am caught up in the emotions, desires & anxiety of those around me I can so easily forget myself. Before I know it I find myself making decisions that just don’t align with my true values & principles, instead aiming to placate those around me. This always leaves me flustered, resentful & frustrated… not great summer holiday vibes. Not bringing yourself on holiday could look like: Not asking your spouse to watch the kids so you can get alone time & feeling resentful whenever they get a...

With many gatherings filling the months ahead I thought it could be useful to think about how we can use distancing as a way to manage stress & anxiety. Distancing can also be thought of as avoidance, it’s one of the most common ways we can manage discomfort - by not putting ourselves in situations or near relationships that cause it! But how helpful is this to us really? It might feel relieving in the moment to avoid facing that person or group of people that really get our heart rate pumping… however the problem is not being addressed & we’re not allowing ourselves to learn how to manage our stress (tolerate discomfort) in those situations, and so the intensity surrounding the relationship/s increases. And when relationship intensity increases, symptoms are likely to pop up. Sometimes a bit of distance is healthy & appropriate, like when unreasonable expectations are being placed on us or we are being pulled into filling in for another person’s vulnerabilities. Being able...

I asked a client recently what it has been like for them to begin letting go of trying to change/control others & instead redirect their focus to managing themselves calmly & more clearly communicate to family members their position on certain challenges, including what they are willing & not willing to take responsibility for. They said “anxiety inducing in the moment but freeing after”. I think this observation is so helpful! Changing the way we are used to behaving within a system is really hard work! We often experience pushback from those around us who are used to us responding in particular ways & unsure of what to do when our focus is shifted. This client has seen reactive pushback in some relationships & encouraging stepping up in others - either way the key is that for the client themselves the outcome of allowing short term discomfort is long term freedom from intense anxiety & a pathway to more meaningful relationships. A worthwhile pursuit if you’re ...

This meme made me laugh. It’s something a lot of mums can relate to, at times like a badge of honour amongst ourselves to say ‘hey without me this family would fall apart!’ We say we don’t want our family to function this way… and yet we are a part of the problem perpetuating this pattern (myself included). Laughing about it helps with the sting of the reality… but what if this could be real life & not fantasy fiction? It IS possible. Parents who can relate to this meme are likely people who tend to do for others things which they are capable to do for themselves - this is called over functioning. Over functioners tend to feel overly responsible for others & in doing so those on the receiving end can over time allow themselves to take a back seat with the understanding that ‘I don’t need to do that or learn how to manage that, because __ will do that for me’ - under functioning. See the reciprocity in this pattern? This pattern often results in resentment for the overfunctioner...

You may have heard the term ‘triangles’ in systemic therapy before but what exactly does it mean?? Simply put, when tension develops between two people - a third person can be pulled in, in an attempt to ‘stabilise’ or ‘calm’ the tension between the 2. Then becoming what is known as a triangle, where the initial 2 people are then functioning in relation to the 3rd, dependent on the 3rd for relative & temporary harmony. There is often a pattern of 2 on the inside and 1 on the out, the person who is the outsider can shift depending on where the anxiety/tension presents. Like many Australians I grew up being a very big Silverchair fan, so I was fascinated to watch the recent series of Australian Story recounting the history of the band. What has occurred between the 3 band members is quite a clear example of a triangle. At different points in the bands career there has been significant anxiety/tension resulting in distance & now cut off. Chris & Ben have mended difficulties, n...