Is telepathy ruining my relationship?

I was asked recently what is the most common challenge I see couples facing in my practice and I found it surprisingly easy to answer... can you guess? 

Telepathy.

The dictionary describes it as "the supposed communication of thoughts or ideas by means other than the known senses". I'm not sure about you but I am yet to meet someone who can prove to me that they are indeed telepathic and able to read the minds of others. And yet, almost every couple that sits in front of me in therapy are behaving in ways that suggest they have the gift, and spoiler alert, it is not leading to enriching & satisfying relationships. 

A fictitious example:

Julia arrives home from work to her partner Rob. The house is a mess & Julia thinks to herself "Aargh, Rob is so lazy! He never helps out around the house, he knew I had a big meeting today couldn't he have at least tidied up a bit before I got home? He clearly doesn't care about how important my day was." Julia walks into the kitchen where Rob is sitting, she slams her bags on the floor without a word and starts cleaning up around the house, huffing & puffing while she does it. 

Rob notices that Julia is grumpy and thinks to himself "Woah, Julia seems grumpy, I know she had a big meeting today, maybe it didn't go very well - she clearly needs some space so I'll leave her alone until she cools down, if I talk to her now I know it will just end in a fight."

Julia becomes angry and thinks "why isn't Rob helping me or apologising? It really does seem as if he doesn't care about me at all, if he cared he would have come after me to check if I was okay & help me, he's so selfish". Julia, even more upset now, turns on the TV and settles onto the couch. She thinks "I don't want to deal with Rob right now, it's been such a big day & I just want to relax." 

Rob becomes frustrated & thinks "I can't believe she is still ignoring me, she always does this! I'm sure there's something she thinks I've done wrong again but I don't know what, she cares more about her job than she does about me". Rob anxiously asks Julia if she wants to watch something together to which she shrugs and says with sarcasm "my meeting went well thanks for asking!!" Rob goes on the defence, and so begins a tit for tat style argument which ends in Rob sleeping on the couch that evening.

Can you see the telepathy going on in this example?

Both Julia & Rob are attempting to read each other's minds & create their own stories to explain the others behaviour without doing one very (seemingly) simple thing: communicating clearly & calmly (a very important distinction) their thoughts and needs to the other. Neither Rob nor Julia are behaving based on real facts, they're allowing their emotions (& perhaps more importantly, the emotions of their partner) to take the wheel. 

When there is tension in a relationship we can ALL fall into the habit of doing this. It's normal human behaviour to fill in the gaps ourselves because defining ourselves or communicating with the other is too uncomfortable (anxiety inducing!). 

If you could re-write this example, how could Rob & Julia approach this scenario with less reactivity and more thoughtfulness? How might things end differently if they stopped the telepathy and attempted to define themselves (communicate their thoughts & needs) with each other?

The theory...

In Bowen Theory this behaviour can be understood as 'fusion'. Fusion is understood as 'stuck togetherness' or 'emotional oneness'. A couple experiences fusion if there is an "intense sensitivity to each other's emotional state" resulting in repetitive reactive interactions. (Brown/Wright, 2010).

‘each spouse triggers certain behaviours in the other..... because each operates in reaction to the other, neither spouse ‘causes’ the other’s behaviour’ (Kerr 2003, p.107)

So how to begin interrupting this pattern? Bowen suggests attempting these 3 things concurrently:

• Discover a way of tolerating the pulls to fusion
• Maintain individuality
• Relate closely

If Rob & Julia directed their energy into these things we might have seen:

• Julia arrive home, notice the mess, acknowledge her frustration & give herself a moment to think it through before walking in to see Rob. She may have decided that it was something that was important enough to her to discuss with Rob but that for now she just wanted to debrief with him about her big meeting & the other discussion could wait until later. She may have resisted the urge to tell herself that his laziness was an indication of his level of care for her, knowing that she doesn't really have any evidence for this.
• Rob when noticing Julia's bad mood may have resisted the urge to avoid her and instead asked her how her day went. He may have given himself a moment to notice his thoughts telling him that she was angry with him, resist the urge to believe this, and instead trust that Julia has the capacity to talk to him if there was something upsetting her about his behaviour. He may have clearly communicated to Julia that he was keen to spend time together tonight without fearing what her response might be, because that was in fact what he wanted.
• And so on... there are many variations of how this could go!

Reflective questions:

• Can you observe any symptoms of fusion (intense sensitivity to each other) in your relationship? 
• Do you notice yourself relying on telepathy (guessing what the other is thinking/intending) during interactions?
• What are some ways you can resist the pull, define yourself & stay connected with your partner?

References:

'Inviting each partner out of the fusion' Wright Brown 2010

'One Family's Story: A Primer on Bowen Theory' Kerr 2003