Seeking self, dropping anchor

I’ve taken January off work to catch some rest & spend quality time with my family. Something I have observed several times already is the tension of how best to use my time - at least for me this is a tension. As a wife, mum, daughter, sister, Aunty, friend & business owner I can very easily feel my energy pulled in several different directions. I have been working hard this holiday to make sure I remember to invite myself along too… more specifically my own thinking.  When I am caught up in the emotions, desires & anxiety of those around me I can so easily forget myself. Before I know it I find myself making decisions that just don’t align with my true values & principles, instead aiming to placate those around me. This always leaves me flustered, resentful & frustrated… not great summer holiday vibes. Not bringing yourself on holiday could look like: Not asking your spouse to watch the kids so you can get alone time & feeling resentful whenever they get a...

With many gatherings filling the months ahead I thought it could be useful to think about how we can use distancing as a way to manage stress & anxiety. Distancing can also be thought of as avoidance, it’s one of the most common ways we can manage discomfort - by not putting ourselves in situations or near relationships that cause it! But how helpful is this to us really? It might feel relieving in the moment to avoid facing that person or group of people that really get our heart rate pumping… however the problem is not being addressed & we’re not allowing ourselves to learn how to manage our stress (tolerate discomfort) in those situations, and so the intensity surrounding the relationship/s increases. And when relationship intensity increases, symptoms are likely to pop up. Sometimes a bit of distance is healthy & appropriate, like when unreasonable expectations are being placed on us or we are being pulled into filling in for another person’s vulnerabilities. Being able...

I asked a client recently what it has been like for them to begin letting go of trying to change/control others & instead redirect their focus to managing themselves calmly & more clearly communicate to family members their position on certain challenges, including what they are willing & not willing to take responsibility for. They said “anxiety inducing in the moment but freeing after”. I think this observation is so helpful! Changing the way we are used to behaving within a system is really hard work! We often experience pushback from those around us who are used to us responding in particular ways & unsure of what to do when our focus is shifted. This client has seen reactive pushback in some relationships & encouraging stepping up in others - either way the key is that for the client themselves the outcome of allowing short term discomfort is long term freedom from intense anxiety & a pathway to more meaningful relationships. A worthwhile pursuit if you’re ...

This meme made me laugh. It’s something a lot of mums can relate to, at times like a badge of honour amongst ourselves to say ‘hey without me this family would fall apart!’ We say we don’t want our family to function this way… and yet we are a part of the problem perpetuating this pattern (myself included). Laughing about it helps with the sting of the reality… but what if this could be real life & not fantasy fiction? It IS possible. Parents who can relate to this meme are likely people who tend to do for others things which they are capable to do for themselves - this is called over functioning. Over functioners tend to feel overly responsible for others & in doing so those on the receiving end can over time allow themselves to take a back seat with the understanding that ‘I don’t need to do that or learn how to manage that, because __ will do that for me’ - under functioning. See the reciprocity in this pattern? This pattern often results in resentment for the overfunctioner...

You may have heard the term ‘triangles’ in systemic therapy before but what exactly does it mean?? Simply put, when tension develops between two people - a third person can be pulled in, in an attempt to ‘stabilise’ or ‘calm’ the tension between the 2. Then becoming what is known as a triangle, where the initial 2 people are then functioning in relation to the 3rd, dependent on the 3rd for relative & temporary harmony. There is often a pattern of 2 on the inside and 1 on the out, the person who is the outsider can shift depending on where the anxiety/tension presents. Like many Australians I grew up being a very big Silverchair fan, so I was fascinated to watch the recent series of Australian Story recounting the history of the band. What has occurred between the 3 band members is quite a clear example of a triangle. At different points in the bands career there has been significant anxiety/tension resulting in distance & now cut off. Chris & Ben have mended difficulties, n...

Parenting is a constant laboratory… with not all experiments going to plan. The past few weeks have been a great example of this for me as I have been toilet training my 3 year old. When we began my daughter was excited & she had success right from the get go, because of this I was calm & I trusted that she would lead the process, letting me know when she needed to go. We had failed attempts in the past & I was determined to stay calm & be patient… which I was… until it all started going down hill. I picked her up from daycare & the teachers said she had multiple accidents & had been so upset that they put a nappy on for her. Fearing that she had regressed completely I didn’t even notice my anxiety creep in. I started asking her regularly “do you need to use the potty??” Which appeared to irritate her & she would respond with “I don’t!!!” & when she would have accidents I would jump to my feet and quickly reassure her that “it’s okay”. Can you see how I...

This concept has been coming up in sessions a lot lately so I thought it would be worth discussing. Borrowing self refers to when we rely on external factors (most commonly, other people) to drive our motivations & behaviours. The 3 most common examples I hear in sessions are: the need for others approval/praise in order to perform well in a task or to be productive the need for others advice before doing our own thinking or making our own decisions the need for others to calm us down when we are feeling stressed or overwhelmed This reliance on others often results in anxiety as we cannot always guarantee it will work or that we will get what we are seeking from them. It also prevents us from building skills in areas where we are more vulnerable. One way of countering this would be to look for opportunities to grow self as appose to borrow it. Examples of what this could look like for the examples used above could be: finding motivation that is founded in our own values & princ...