Seeking self, dropping anchor

You may have heard the term ‘triangles’ in systemic therapy before but what exactly does it mean?? Simply put, when tension develops between two people - a third person can be pulled in, in an attempt to ‘stabilise’ or ‘calm’ the tension between the 2. Then becoming what is known as a triangle, where the initial 2 people are then functioning in relation to the 3rd, dependent on the 3rd for relative & temporary harmony. There is often a pattern of 2 on the inside and 1 on the out, the person who is the outsider can shift depending on where the anxiety/tension presents. Like many Australians I grew up being a very big Silverchair fan, so I was fascinated to watch the recent series of Australian Story recounting the history of the band. What has occurred between the 3 band members is quite a clear example of a triangle. At different points in the bands career there has been significant anxiety/tension resulting in distance & now cut off. Chris & Ben have mended difficulties, n...

Parenting is a constant laboratory… with not all experiments going to plan. The past few weeks have been a great example of this for me as I have been toilet training my 3 year old. When we began my daughter was excited & she had success right from the get go, because of this I was calm & I trusted that she would lead the process, letting me know when she needed to go. We had failed attempts in the past & I was determined to stay calm & be patient… which I was… until it all started going down hill. I picked her up from daycare & the teachers said she had multiple accidents & had been so upset that they put a nappy on for her. Fearing that she had regressed completely I didn’t even notice my anxiety creep in. I started asking her regularly “do you need to use the potty??” Which appeared to irritate her & she would respond with “I don’t!!!” & when she would have accidents I would jump to my feet and quickly reassure her that “it’s okay”. Can you see how I...

This concept has been coming up in sessions a lot lately so I thought it would be worth discussing. Borrowing self refers to when we rely on external factors (most commonly, other people) to drive our motivations & behaviours. The 3 most common examples I hear in sessions are: the need for others approval/praise in order to perform well in a task or to be productive the need for others advice before doing our own thinking or making our own decisions the need for others to calm us down when we are feeling stressed or overwhelmed This reliance on others often results in anxiety as we cannot always guarantee it will work or that we will get what we are seeking from them. It also prevents us from building skills in areas where we are more vulnerable. One way of countering this would be to look for opportunities to grow self as appose to borrow it. Examples of what this could look like for the examples used above could be: finding motivation that is founded in our own values & princ...

I wonder what this picture evokes for you? A lot of you will know this face well… whether it be your own child, your niece/nephew, grandchild or child your work with. Does it produce some discomfort? Do you want to soothe them, do you want to look away? I use this picture as an example of the incredible challenge of learning how to tolerate another’s distress for the purposes of enabling them to develop their own sense of self and life enhancing skill set. As a sleep deprived parent who has recently spent time teaching a 7 month old how to settle themselves to sleep I feel the emotion of this picture acutely. Sleep training is a great example of an instance where a parent is required to put their own distress of seeing their baby upset to one side for the sake of teaching the child a very important & necessary life skill, sleep When we rush in to “fix” every time our child (or anyone) is upset we are not giving them the very valuable opportunity of learning how to regulate themselv...

There’s a lot of talk about the vagus nerve or the vagal nervous system these days, so what is it & what’s all the fuss about? The vagal nerves are the main pathway to our parasympathetic nervous system. This system is what enables us to be in a state of rest. It’s there to counteract our stress response (fight flight freeze) and enable us to remain calm in the face of threat (or perceived threat). It’s also closely connected to our immune system. Having a healthy vagal nervous system can be incredibly helpful to effectively manage anxiety and develop emotional resilience. So how to stimulate these nerves?? Have you ever noticed yourself sigh, yawn, laugh or humm when stressed? This can often be the body’s attempt to stimulate the vagus nerve & assist you in calming down (amazing right?). The common thread with these things is breath. Research has shown that regular diaphragmatic breath work can help us keep a healthy vagal nervous system. Being able to pause & focus on slo...

Depression can sneak up on us and sometimes we’re not even aware that we’re experiencing it. The difficulty with this is that the longer we are in it without intervening, the harder it can be to come out. Being able to spot it is not for the sake of having a diagnosis to fix, but rather to enable us to take back some control and make little changes day to day (based on our capacity in the moment) that can reduce its intensity and make it more achievable to find your way out. Here are some things to look out for... Thoughts: I'm a failure It's my fault Nothing good ever happens to me I'm worthless Life's not worth living People would be better off without me Physical symptoms: Feeling tired all the time Feeling sick and run down Headaches and muscle pains Stomach pain, butterflies or churning gut Sleep problems Loss or change of appetite Significant weight loss or gain Feelings: Overwhelmed or indecisive Guilty Irritable or frustrated Lacking in confidence Unhappy or dis...

I haven’t been posting much here lately & that is because I am adjusting to life as a mother of a toddler & a newborn - one of my life’s greatest joys & greatest challenges all in one. Something I have been reflecting on during this phase is how I can remain clear on who I am & what my needs are at a time when my children’s needs (in particular my dependent 5 month old) feel all consuming. This is no easy task! Some days are purely about survival & that is okay, but when I have the capacity for it I give myself a moment to pause & check in with myself. My anxiety autopilot causes me to be some kind of mother martyr who is all things to all people & before I know it I hit burn out. Interrupting this behaviour for me has involved vulnerability that finds courage to ask for help & then accept it. Another area where I have been working on defining myself in how time is spent with my kids. Do I ever get to listen to my own music in the car or is it always Pep...