Seeking self, dropping anchor

I haven’t been posting much here lately & that is because I am adjusting to life as a mother of a toddler & a newborn - one of my life’s greatest joys & greatest challenges all in one. Something I have been reflecting on during this phase is how I can remain clear on who I am & what my needs are at a time when my children’s needs (in particular my dependent 5 month old) feel all consuming. This is no easy task! Some days are purely about survival & that is okay, but when I have the capacity for it I give myself a moment to pause & check in with myself. My anxiety autopilot causes me to be some kind of mother martyr who is all things to all people & before I know it I hit burn out. Interrupting this behaviour for me has involved vulnerability that finds courage to ask for help & then accept it. Another area where I have been working on defining myself in how time is spent with my kids. Do I ever get to listen to my own music in the car or is it always Pep...

Are you aware of what your ‘stress comfort zone’ is? We all have a level of stress that is adaptive or helpful and becoming aware of what level that is for you is critical to preventing distressing levels of anxiety and/or depression. Distress can be experienced when someone has nothing worthwhile to do (not enough stress) or when they are overtaxed by constant activity (too much stress). Can you relate to these? This diagram shows that as stress increases so does performance and well being UNTIL you reach your stress comfort zone. As soon as we move into over or under stimulation our performance & well being then begins to decrease. This doesn’t mean we just avoid circumstances which push us out of our stress comfort zone, sometimes this cannot be helped! Rather it allows us to be more proactive in managing such times, ensuring that we seek BALANCE… aiming to steer away from staying in over or under stimulation for extended periods of time & being able to bring ourselves back ...

Ever leave a meeting feeling defeated & frustrated as if nothing helpful was achieved? A common example I hear is when those in attendance use the time to whinge, with each person seeming to set the other off into a spiral of complaints and negativity. When anxiety is present one way of managing it is to share it with others and allow their shared feelings of frustration to ease the discomfort we are experiencing. Whilst it might make us feel better it doesn’t often achieve change - instead often leading to increased group feelings of dissatisfaction. I have 2 helpful questions to ask yourself in these scenarios: 1. When you observe yourself in these meetings what is your response to your teammates/colleagues anxious behaviour? Some common responses could be to shut down & switch off, try to appease people by providing them with a quick solution which may not be realistic or possible or respond with a more punitive approach perhaps raising your voice & setting out unfair co...

  These two styles of behaviour refer to how mental illness can present itself. - Externalising: behaviour directed towards your environment (e.g. others) - Internalising: behaviour directed towards one’s self. Most people are aware of externalised behaviours as they are more visible: aggression, damaging property etc. whereas internalising is an attack on ourself. Internalising is harder to spot & can easily go unnoticed by family & friends. Internalising behaviours can look like: Feeling sadness, lonely, afraid, unwanted, or unloved Being withdrawn and not wanting to socialize Becoming irritable or nervous, especially when stressed or emotional Not wanting to talk or communicate with anyone Having difficulty concentrating or focusing on important tasks Sleeping a lot more or less than usual Eating a lot more or less than usual Negative self-talk Substance abuse Suicidal thoughts, attempts, or ideation Question for you:  Are you aware of when you are internalising ...

Yep, that time of year is fast approaching! When you think of getting together with family does it provoke any anxiety? One of the best ways to prepare is to take time now to reflect on where that anxiety is coming from, getting curious about it, attempting to increase our awareness of how it manifests in our thinking, feeling & behaviour & asking ourselves is that really how we want it to be? This is not about being judgemental or critical, it’s about being interested. As you take time to reflect, it can be very helpful to come up with one or more research questions to take with you to these gatherings. For example, ‘what is my automatic response to conflict that arises?’ Or even extending this to ‘what is each person in my families default response when conflict occurs?’… can I notice any patterns & roles? What’s helpful or unhelpful? Being able to step back and be an observer, with the intent of learning more about ourselves and our family’s automatic patterns of functio...

I’ve been on holidays this week with my family before we go from 3 to 4. It’s been a brilliant opportunity for me to zoom out & do some self-observation. We have a 2 year old who is giving us a great stage for practising the commonly experienced parenting dance of ‘what the heck am I doing?’ & ‘how on earth do I manage this?’ - which produces a great deal of anxious reactivity (from everyone involved!) Something I’ve been reflecting on is how for me this lack of confidence in relation to responding to toddler meltdowns, stems from the challenge of having been given TOO MUCH information. I’ve been working in children & family mental health now for 8+ years, so you’d think surely I have it all together right? Wrong. What all this input has done has actually muddied the waters & prevented me from developing my very own thinking. Anxiety causes us to often borrow thinking from others… which feels easier than doing our own. We reach for all the parenting books, Instagram...

I attended a fascinating webinar put on by  The Family Systems Institute  yesterday with Dr Anne McKnight discussing the complex systemic process of cut off. Not to be mistaken with more commonly known term ‘estrangement’ cut off refers to the relationship process of managing tension in a relationship by backing away from it. It’s purpose is to allow breathing room but it’s cost can be cutting off from a potential resource & lead to isolation. It can also have implications for how one functions in their own family. Cut off usually occurs in relationships when there is little capacity to be able to strategies in the face of tension and emotionality & is a mechanism to reduce tension by severing contact. It’s helpful to remember that when someone chooses to cut off they are just doing the best they can to adapt to the circumstances they face. However, in cut off we lose the valuable opportunity to work on our ability to manage difficulties in relationships. In thera...