Tuning into relationships: a series on regulation

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The fourth factor impacting our capacity to regulate is relationships. This is the last one of this little series & potentially the most important!

Most would say that this one is all about feeling understood, accepted & valued by those we care about & that this calms us down… which is not untrue! However this type of thinking can lead to dependency on others for our ability to remain calm. I have a slightly different focus on this one which comes from a Bowen family systems concept called ‘differentiation of self’.

This concept refers to our ability to stay connected but autonomous in the face of relationship stress. A well differentiated person “can stay calm and clear headed enough in the face of conflict, criticism, & rejection to distinguish thinking rooted in a careful assessment of the facts from thinking clouded by emotionality.”

In contrast “people with a poorly differentiated self depend so heavily on the acceptance and approval of others that they either quickly adjust what they think, say, and do to please others or they dogmatically proclaim what others should be like and pressure them to conform.” REF: https://www.thebowencenter.org/differentiation-of-self .

One small step we can take towards a more clearly defined self is to allow ourselves the time to think before allowing our automatic emotionally led reactions to take over. 

Ask yourself a few questions: 
  • What are the facts? 
  • How can I make my next move in this interaction be led by slow thinking (facts!) as apposed to my emotions (or imagination!)? 
  • How can I be responsive not reactive? 
  • How can I clearly communicate my own needs instead of just conforming to the needs of others?

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