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When anxiety shows up uninvited – how to prevent it from taking control

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“Anxiety can be defined as the response of an organism to a threat, real or imagined. It is a process that, in some form, is present in all living things.” — Murray Bowen Everyone experiences varying degrees of anxiety at different points in their life. If you meet someone that says they haven’t, they may not be aware of how anxiety shows up for them. Bowen theorists tend to use terms such as tension and/or discomfort interchangeably with anxiety, I find that most people can relate to the experience of discomfort/tension but often do not attribute that to anxiety. In the end, what we label it doesn’t actually matter – what matters is an ability to observe it in ourselves and to become acquainted with how it shows up in our body, thoughts, behaviours and emotions - and further, what automatic patterns of behaviour we have developed in order to manage it. These behavioural strategies for managing the discomfort are often so automatic that we have no idea we’re doing them – a lot of them ...
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Starting school/daycare - a lesson in growing pains.

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It's a new year and a lot of families are managing an array of big changes including kids starting daycare/preschool/school/high school or kids moving into a new year with new teachers, classrooms and peers.  Change is just one of those things that naturally tends to produce some degree of discomfort for most people (the unknown is not a popular place to be) and this becomes even more complex when a parent is a bystander of their child facing change - cue anxiety!  A lot of parents (myself included) already begin preparing their child for the change well before it's even taken place. In the circumstance of school changes, the lead up is often filled with social stories, orientation visits, play dates, books, meetings with teachers, new backpacks, lunch box prep and so on. These are not bad things, in fact they can be really helpful, but can you see how much energy is already being directed towards managing the change for the child? Before the school year has even begun our min...
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New year, new you?

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I observed something last week and I wonder if you ever notice this for yourself too? Things had been tracking along quite normally until last week I found myself snapping at my family and losing my cool over things that don't normally bother me. Before I knew it I was stuck in a 'funk' of exhaustion and bad mood without much clue as to how I got there!  Life can get busy, especially at the start of a new year - kids are settling back into their routines (sometimes not so smoothly!), adults are readjusting back into the work mindset (also sometimes not so smoothly!), parents are remembering what it's like to juggle several hats at once, tasks that could be set aside over the holidays all of a sudden pop back up into your view and that lovely holiday glow very quickly begins to dissipate. Taking a break from the usual routine of life can be energising, but sometimes when it's over we have a false sense of capacity which enables us to throw ourselves back into the yea...
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Is telepathy ruining my relationship?

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I was asked recently what is the most common challenge I see couples facing in my practice and I found it surprisingly easy to answer... can you guess?  Telepathy. The dictionary describes it as "the supposed communication of thoughts or ideas by means other than the known senses" . I'm not sure about you but I am yet to meet someone who can prove to me that they are indeed telepathic and able to read the minds of others. And yet, almost every couple that sits in front of me in therapy are behaving in ways that suggest they have the gift, and spoiler alert, it is not leading to enriching & satisfying relationships.  A fictitious example: Julia arrives home from work to her partner Rob. The house is a mess & Julia thinks to herself "Aargh, Rob is so lazy! He never helps out around the house, he knew I had a big meeting today couldn't he have at least tidied up a bit before I got home? He clearly doesn't care about how important my day was." Julia ...
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Don’t forget to bring yourself on holiday too!

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I’ve taken January off work to catch some rest & spend quality time with my family. Something I have observed several times already is the tension of how best to use my time - at least for me this is a tension. As a wife, mum, daughter, sister, Aunty, friend & business owner I can very easily feel my energy pulled in several different directions. I have been working hard this holiday to make sure I remember to invite myself along too… more specifically my own thinking.  When I am caught up in the emotions, desires & anxiety of those around me I can so easily forget myself. Before I know it I find myself making decisions that just don’t align with my true values & principles, instead aiming to placate those around me. This always leaves me flustered, resentful & frustrated… not great summer holiday vibes. Not bringing yourself on holiday could look like: Not asking your spouse to watch the kids so you can get alone time & feeling resentful whenever they get a...
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Mature stepping back or anxious distancing?

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With many gatherings filling the months ahead I thought it could be useful to think about how we can use distancing as a way to manage stress & anxiety. Distancing can also be thought of as avoidance, it’s one of the most common ways we can manage discomfort - by not putting ourselves in situations or near relationships that cause it! But how helpful is this to us really? It might feel relieving in the moment to avoid facing that person or group of people that really get our heart rate pumping… however the problem is not being addressed & we’re not allowing ourselves to learn how to manage our stress (tolerate discomfort) in those situations, and so the intensity surrounding the relationship/s increases. And when relationship intensity increases, symptoms are likely to pop up. Sometimes a bit of distance is healthy & appropriate, like when unreasonable expectations are being placed on us or we are being pulled into filling in for another person’s vulnerabilities. Being able...
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What is it like to start defining yourself?

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I asked a client recently what it has been like for them to begin letting go of trying to change/control others & instead redirect their focus to managing themselves calmly & more clearly communicate to family members their position on certain challenges, including what they are willing & not willing to take responsibility for. They said “anxiety inducing in the moment but freeing after”. I think this observation is so helpful! Changing the way we are used to behaving within a system is really hard work! We often experience pushback from those around us who are used to us responding in particular ways & unsure of what to do when our focus is shifted. This client has seen reactive pushback in some relationships & encouraging stepping up in others - either way the key is that for the client themselves the outcome of allowing short term discomfort is long term freedom from intense anxiety & a pathway to more meaningful relationships. A worthwhile pursuit if you’re ...
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