Seeking self, dropping anchor

This concept has been coming up in sessions a lot lately so I thought it would be worth discussing. Borrowing self refers to when we rely on external factors (most commonly, other people) to drive our motivations & behaviours. The 3 most common examples I hear in sessions are: the need for others approval/praise in order to perform well in a task or to be productive the need for others advice before doing our own thinking or making our own decisions the need for others to calm us down when we are feeling stressed or overwhelmed This reliance on others often results in anxiety as we cannot always guarantee it will work or that we will get what we are seeking from them. It also prevents us from building skills in areas where we are more vulnerable. One way of countering this would be to look for opportunities to grow self as appose to borrow it. Examples of what this could look like for the examples used above could be: finding motivation that is founded in our own values & princ...

I wonder what this picture evokes for you? A lot of you will know this face well… whether it be your own child, your niece/nephew, grandchild or child your work with. Does it produce some discomfort? Do you want to soothe them, do you want to look away? I use this picture as an example of the incredible challenge of learning how to tolerate another’s distress for the purposes of enabling them to develop their own sense of self and life enhancing skill set. As a sleep deprived parent who has recently spent time teaching a 7 month old how to settle themselves to sleep I feel the emotion of this picture acutely. Sleep training is a great example of an instance where a parent is required to put their own distress of seeing their baby upset to one side for the sake of teaching the child a very important & necessary life skill, sleep When we rush in to “fix” every time our child (or anyone) is upset we are not giving them the very valuable opportunity of learning how to regulate themselv...

There’s a lot of talk about the vagus nerve or the vagal nervous system these days, so what is it & what’s all the fuss about? The vagal nerves are the main pathway to our parasympathetic nervous system. This system is what enables us to be in a state of rest. It’s there to counteract our stress response (fight flight freeze) and enable us to remain calm in the face of threat (or perceived threat). It’s also closely connected to our immune system. Having a healthy vagal nervous system can be incredibly helpful to effectively manage anxiety and develop emotional resilience. So how to stimulate these nerves?? Have you ever noticed yourself sigh, yawn, laugh or humm when stressed? This can often be the body’s attempt to stimulate the vagus nerve & assist you in calming down (amazing right?). The common thread with these things is breath. Research has shown that regular diaphragmatic breath work can help us keep a healthy vagal nervous system. Being able to pause & focus on slo...

Depression can sneak up on us and sometimes we’re not even aware that we’re experiencing it. The difficulty with this is that the longer we are in it without intervening, the harder it can be to come out. Being able to spot it is not for the sake of having a diagnosis to fix, but rather to enable us to take back some control and make little changes day to day (based on our capacity in the moment) that can reduce its intensity and make it more achievable to find your way out. Here are some things to look out for... Thoughts: I'm a failure It's my fault Nothing good ever happens to me I'm worthless Life's not worth living People would be better off without me Physical symptoms: Feeling tired all the time Feeling sick and run down Headaches and muscle pains Stomach pain, butterflies or churning gut Sleep problems Loss or change of appetite Significant weight loss or gain Feelings: Overwhelmed or indecisive Guilty Irritable or frustrated Lacking in confidence Unhappy or dis...

I haven’t been posting much here lately & that is because I am adjusting to life as a mother of a toddler & a newborn - one of my life’s greatest joys & greatest challenges all in one. Something I have been reflecting on during this phase is how I can remain clear on who I am & what my needs are at a time when my children’s needs (in particular my dependent 5 month old) feel all consuming. This is no easy task! Some days are purely about survival & that is okay, but when I have the capacity for it I give myself a moment to pause & check in with myself. My anxiety autopilot causes me to be some kind of mother martyr who is all things to all people & before I know it I hit burn out. Interrupting this behaviour for me has involved vulnerability that finds courage to ask for help & then accept it. Another area where I have been working on defining myself in how time is spent with my kids. Do I ever get to listen to my own music in the car or is it always Pep...

Are you aware of what your ‘stress comfort zone’ is? We all have a level of stress that is adaptive or helpful and becoming aware of what level that is for you is critical to preventing distressing levels of anxiety and/or depression. Distress can be experienced when someone has nothing worthwhile to do (not enough stress) or when they are overtaxed by constant activity (too much stress). Can you relate to these? This diagram shows that as stress increases so does performance and well being UNTIL you reach your stress comfort zone. As soon as we move into over or under stimulation our performance & well being then begins to decrease. This doesn’t mean we just avoid circumstances which push us out of our stress comfort zone, sometimes this cannot be helped! Rather it allows us to be more proactive in managing such times, ensuring that we seek BALANCE… aiming to steer away from staying in over or under stimulation for extended periods of time & being able to bring ourselves back ...

Ever leave a meeting feeling defeated & frustrated as if nothing helpful was achieved? A common example I hear is when those in attendance use the time to whinge, with each person seeming to set the other off into a spiral of complaints and negativity. When anxiety is present one way of managing it is to share it with others and allow their shared feelings of frustration to ease the discomfort we are experiencing. Whilst it might make us feel better it doesn’t often achieve change - instead often leading to increased group feelings of dissatisfaction. I have 2 helpful questions to ask yourself in these scenarios: 1. When you observe yourself in these meetings what is your response to your teammates/colleagues anxious behaviour? Some common responses could be to shut down & switch off, try to appease people by providing them with a quick solution which may not be realistic or possible or respond with a more punitive approach perhaps raising your voice & setting out unfair co...