Let's get regulated: the window of tolerance

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I talk a lot about being able to stay calm in the face of distress. That’s good and all… but how do we practically do this? A good place to start is to understand ‘regulation’ - this simply refers to the ability to remain in a calm & alert state without flipping into hyperarousal (e.g. fight/flight) or hypoarousal (e.g. freeze). I’m going to offer some more info on this & ways we can more effectively regulate ourselves over the next few weeks.

When we are well regulated we feel ‘within our window of tolerance’ - in other words we can cope with whatever stressful situation pops up in that moment, without throwing us off balance or in a state of disarray.

There are many factors that contribute towards our window becoming smaller & therefore more likely for us to respond to stress with overwhelm, including something as simple as the time of day the stress occurs! Some core areas impacting our ability to regulate are: how our body feels, our emotions, our environment & of course our relationships.

An example for me this week: I woke up from a poor sleep (cue 24wks pregnant & all the symptoms that come with that!), my body was feeling fatigue & pain. My toddler starts my morning by refusing to get dressed, then refusing to brush her teeth & then refusing to put a jacket on to go outside…by the third refusal I’m frustrated, angry & feeling disrespected, my window of tolerance has shrunk significantly. I am not calm, I am reactive & I raise my voice yelling ineffective commands to a toddler who doesn’t understand what I’m saying. By the end of the day I am exhausted & feeling like a failure of a parent, all it will take is for my husband to put the wrong seasoning on our dinner for me to crack it! See the factors shrinking my ability to access calm?

This is normal & self-compassion is important here (as well as the ability to apologise to loved ones!) - however, this becomes a problem when we are rarely able to come back into a regulated state & we feel locked into hyper or hypo arousal. This often happens when stress is chronic & there is minimal opportunity to work on calming strategies. 

Questions for you:
  • Are you aware of what factors shrink your window? 
  • And do you have strategies to expand it?

Ref: D. Siegel & Image credit: NICABM

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