Seeking self, dropping anchor

I’ve been on holidays this week with my family before we go from 3 to 4. It’s been a brilliant opportunity for me to zoom out & do some self-observation. We have a 2 year old who is giving us a great stage for practising the commonly experienced parenting dance of ‘what the heck am I doing?’ & ‘how on earth do I manage this?’ - which produces a great deal of anxious reactivity (from everyone involved!) Something I’ve been reflecting on is how for me this lack of confidence in relation to responding to toddler meltdowns, stems from the challenge of having been given TOO MUCH information. I’ve been working in children & family mental health now for 8+ years, so you’d think surely I have it all together right? Wrong. What all this input has done has actually muddied the waters & prevented me from developing my very own thinking. Anxiety causes us to often borrow thinking from others… which feels easier than doing our own. We reach for all the parenting books, Instagram...

I attended a fascinating webinar put on by  The Family Systems Institute  yesterday with Dr Anne McKnight discussing the complex systemic process of cut off. Not to be mistaken with more commonly known term ‘estrangement’ cut off refers to the relationship process of managing tension in a relationship by backing away from it. It’s purpose is to allow breathing room but it’s cost can be cutting off from a potential resource & lead to isolation. It can also have implications for how one functions in their own family. Cut off usually occurs in relationships when there is little capacity to be able to strategies in the face of tension and emotionality & is a mechanism to reduce tension by severing contact. It’s helpful to remember that when someone chooses to cut off they are just doing the best they can to adapt to the circumstances they face. However, in cut off we lose the valuable opportunity to work on our ability to manage difficulties in relationships. In thera...

I hear a lot of criticism in therapy. I hear it in two main forms: criticism of self and criticism of others - both of which can become entrenched patterns of anxious behaviour that can be very difficult to shift & that only tend to cause more anxiety as the outcome. One way I encourage clients to start tackling criticism is to first step back & become more aware of it. Spend time observing it, learning its ins and outs - when does it occur? How does it play out in my behaviour? Is the criticism based in something evidenced based that I truly believe in? How automatic is my response to it? Are there times I’m more critical than others? Have there been times I’ve been able to notice the critical thoughts but then let them go? What’s it like for me to sit with the thought & analyse it before I act on it? Questions for you: Are you aware of how criticism plays out in yourself and your relationships?  How well acquainted are you with how it functions for you right now?...

Have you ever experienced a strong emotion (e.g. worry) & have a thought (or several!) pop into your mind that causes you to behave/react/respond in a way that in hindsight you thought to yourself ‘I wish I had done that differently! That behaviour wasn’t reflective of who I want to be as a person!’ ? One helpful & simple way to slow this process down & give yourself an opportunity to behave differently is to ask yourself - is the thought I’m having based in fact or fiction? Is there real evidence for this thought to be true? Or is it my emotions taking control & making me believe something not based in reality? This question can help us to pause & interrupt our auto-pilot responses. When our thoughts are driven by strong emotions (as apposed to clear thinking) they often veer away from what’s actually true & real, causing us to behave in anxious ways.